Saturday, July 30, 2011

My Date with Miami

Carrie: You have to figure ... if the world's fattest twins can find love, there's hope for all of us. Somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us, understand us, and kiss our 3 heads and make it all better.

We were supposed to meet a while back.  In fact, I was waiting on him, when he sent me a text saying he had been rear ended.  I didn't believe him.  But still made plans again with him the following week.  Then my truck's brakes gave out.  So I ditched him.  Then we were supposed to meet again...and I canceled because I had a bad day.

So the night finally comes where I am going to meet him.  It takes awhile to agree on a place to meet.  But we do. I make the mistake of saying 9 or later.  I should have just said 9.  So I show up at 9.  And wait.  And wait some more.  I saw Jew.  I know! Small world.  As I sat there waiting, I wrote a mini post on my phone.  Mostly about Jew.  I'll have to remember to transfer it to this...I do remember pointing out the fact that Big Nose and Jew have the same real name.  Did I know that before?  Did that occur to me before?  Do I really think of them in my head as "Big Nose" and "Jew"??

An hour and half later...why did I wait?  Well, I had blown him off the previous two times, so didn't mind.  And what was I going to do on a Friday night?  I'd rather be out somewhere...even if the creepy guy next to me is watching my every move like he is getting ready to pounce.  Creepy.  But still better than sitting at home...alone...watching my non-existent TV.

At one point, this guy walks up to the bartender and orders a drink.  He reeks of cologne.  And I pray it isn't him.  I try to remember what his profile picture looked like..but all I can remember is Miami (where he is from). Turns not be him.  Thank god.

I get a text saying he is there. he isn't.  No one has walked in in the past 10 minutes.  So I tell him to come in.  It takes a lifetime for him to come in.  We say our hellos..and I point out the fact that it is 10:30. And I've just realized, he is the first guy I haven't hugged when meeting. He chuckles and says, "I know, I know."  No apology.  OK.  Still..better than no TV.  As we talk, I have to lean in because the music has all of a sudden gotten really loud.  He smells like a tanning bed.  He is dark, so I ask, "Do you tan?"  Nope, just his lotion.  HA.  Miami is truly the best name for him.  He is cute...and then I remember his pictures.  This guy is the fat version of the guy online.

Then the conversation slowly turns into better than TV.  He has a masters degree, in business. He is Italian (ah...maybe he really doesn't tan). He has a boat.  He is making me laugh. Flirting.  Great.  Not such a bad evening after all.


He says he is going to the restroom.  10 minutes later, I find myself talking to a guy who could pass as a midget.  I know he is trying to hit on me.  I don't ignore him, because this is just too good.  I turn to see where the hell Miami went, and I see him talking on the phone.  Right, back to the midget.  We joke about his "airplane" drink. Just as he was asking if I wanted to join him and his friends, Miami walks up.  So, I politely decline. 

Miami tells me that he was on the phone with his mom. Right. I ask what he does for a living.  Something with IT...but he owns several businesses in Miami.  And one of them happens to be a .....wait......I'm not making this happens to be a strip club.  I'm pretty sure I spit my drink out laughing so hard.  You have GOT to be kidding me.  "No, a strip a club."  That might have been rude of me to laugh so hard.  I mean, if you know what you are doing, I'm sure it brings in a lot of money.

We continue talking for a while, because this is just too entertaining.  He says he is going to the bathroom.  I wait.  I use the bathroom.  I order a water.  Drink my water.  Then pay my tab and leave.  I send him a text.  "Guess I've been blown off.  So I'm headed home." 

About an hour later he starts texting me.  Saying he didn't blow me off, he was on the phone....right...and you don't tell me...because?? And then....But he would really like to come over to my place.  "Right," I say in response.  Which I guess to Miami that meant yes because the texts continue. At this point, I ignore them.  Then he gets mean...and just doesn't stop.  So I turn my phone off.  I wake up this morning and at one point he says I invited him to my place (which I didn't).  And he will wait on no one.  so I should lose his number.

Wow. Dramatic ending. 

I'm supposed to go out with Big Nose tonight.  I'm pretty sure it won't be nearly as exciting as owning a strip club.  But I think I will be OK.

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