"Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either." — Chelsea Handler
"It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus." — Chelsea Handler (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea) 
"You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself." — Chelsea Handler
For the modern girl, opportunity doesn't knock. It parks in front of her home and honks the horn.
- Unknown wise person

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked at the end of it.
~ Jerry Seinfield