Friday, June 15, 2012

The Private Parts on Crush

“Mortals always want something more- they wish for money, but what they're really after is to be carefree. Power when what they really want is control. Beauty when they want love. Sometimes they know it, sometimes they don't” ― Jackson Pearce, As You Wish
I forgot about this piece I wrote in my journal...The reason for the journal is pretty self explanatory.

This would be perfect for my blog-but that's not going to happen. Way too private [HA]. I was with Big Nose again-and then he disappeared....again...   Shocker.  Went out with NC from NC.  [I forgot about him too!  I need to update my list of recents...] Eh.

But the current situation?  I'm bursting at the seams to talk to someone about it.  I can't.  There is no one.  

Sex. Only sex.  Sound familiar?  I'm confused-by my own feelings of course.  Is this someone I could like?  Is this someone that could hurt me?  How far will I let it go before I do get hurt?  And is that really a possibility?  Can he hurt me?  How many has he hurt? I know of at least one...

Why are my feelings all wrapped in this?  I'm fine when I'm around him.[I wonder if I mean my emotions are in check when I am with him?]  Everything is fine.  I have fun.  I enjoy myself.  How do I keep it at that though?  Can I maintain this?  [How could I maintain the emotional distance?]

The sex is amazing.  I'm so free.  That doesn't happen with many men.  For example- The Half Jew. I was so self conscious.  But this one?  I don't have a care in the world.  

I know it isn't forever.  But can I tryst myself to just enjoy it while it does last?

All them men I've been out with have been given names.  What shall I name him? [I think we have figured that out.]

I can't think of a single good name.  Damn.  I used to be so good at that.  [Defining men by one word??]

I've got this picture my aunt gave me of my mom's first true love.  Mine I guess would be Addict, or a series of crushes I had in elementary, middle and high school.  Whatever.  But I look at this picture and wonder what kind of a man he was.  He is handsome. And he has this smile with perfect white teeth.  Curly hair that sits at his ears.  He is wearing a straw hat, purple shirt and standing in front of pool.  I remember my aunt telling me he was a life guard. Was he kind and gentle?  Or was he rough?  And why didn't it work out?  Did she get hurt?   My aunt told me she tried calling him recently for some reunion thing.  He told her to never call his house again.  So apparently the family name has some deep history in his life that we just don't know about.  My aunt didn't really give me a lot of details.  I don't think she knew actually....but I have his picture up.  And look at it and wonder sometimes....

I guess I have two explanations for this one.  His name is Crush because when I first met him, I was in 5th grade.  He was my best friend's [BFF2] older brother.  I will never forget the time we heard him having sex in the basement.  I wished more than anything that night that it would be me one day.  (My mother always said be careful what you wish for.)  He was a rebel.  Always in trouble.  Always angry.  He never really talked to me.  In fact, I don't think he did, at all.  Except once.  I had slept over and was up before everyone else..... to go babysitting.  As I walked out of BFF2s room he was there in the hallway.  I remember being stunned by him.  He was gorgeous.  And he knew it.  "Leaving now?"  "Yea..babysitting".  So lame. And to be honest, that is what most of our conversations consist of now.  That would have been 14 years ago.  And ever since then, I've always had a thing for him.

Explanation two. We all know I moved to Colorado last summer.  So I've been spending more and more time with said BFF2.  A bunch of us went out on Saint Patrick's Day.  Crush included.  I immediately went for him.  He came right back at me.  The problem?  He dated BFF2s neighbor for a while.  And I am just getting to know Neighbor.  And I like her.  She is my kind of girl.  Her personality, her humor, her trust.  And I managed to screw up a new friendship. She found out, and was hurt. I felt horrible. There is a possibility that she still reads this blog.  But maybe she has forgotten about it.  But I can't lie.  I have to have this out there.  And maybe she will understand my reasons for wanting to be with him.  Or maybe she won't.  but all the same, I hope she will accept me for who I am, and not hate me for what I have done. What's amazing about the whole thing was that it really was just sex.  We didn't talk.  And on the rare occasion we did talk, all he did was complain about shit. Even so, the hook-ups continued.  And continued and continued until last weekend.  That was it for me.  But that's another topic for another post.  Neighbor and I have talked about him, but not about me hooking up with him.  I feel guilty.  I mean sort a way that I know I am making her upset.  But at the same time, I needed that freedom.  I am probably more screwed up in the head than all of my friends out there.  I even talked to my therapist about him.  And she said it is OK to have a fling, as long as you know you can get hurt. But I failed to mention Neighbor.  That might have changed what the therapist said. 

There is a whole series of posts between St. Patrick's Day and today.  But I'm just going to give the ending to you:  I got my childhood wish. I didn't get hurt. And Neighbor and I are still talking.  That's a perfect ending. 

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