The Private Parts on Crush

“Mortals always want something more- they wish for money, but what they're really after is to be carefree. Power when what they really want is control. Beauty when they want love. Sometimes they know it, sometimes they don't” ― Jackson Pearce, As You Wish
I forgot about this piece I wrote in my journal...The reason for the journal is pretty self explanatory.

4-23-12
This would be perfect for my blog-but that's not going to happen. Way too private [HA]. I was with Big Nose again-and then he disappeared....again...   Shocker.  Went out with NC from NC.  [I forgot about him too!  I need to update my list of recents...] Eh.

But the current situation?  I'm bursting at the seams to talk to someone about it.  I can't.  There is no one.  

Sex. Only sex.  Sound familiar?  I'm confused-by my own feelings of course.  Is this someone I could like?  Is this someone that could hurt me?  How far will I let it go before I do get hurt?  And is that really a possibility?  Can he hurt me?  How many has he hurt? I know of at least one...

Why are my feelings all wrapped in this?  I'm fine when I'm around him.[I wonder if I mean my emotions are in check when I am with him?]  Everything is fine.  I have fun.  I enjoy myself.  How do I keep it at that though?  Can I maintain this?  [How could I maintain the emotional distance?]

The sex is amazing.  I'm so free.  That doesn't happen with many men.  For example- The Half Jew. I was so self conscious.  But this one?  I don't have a care in the world.  

I know it isn't forever.  But can I tryst myself to just enjoy it while it does last?

All them men I've been out with have been given names.  What shall I name him? [I think we have figured that out.]

I can't think of a single good name.  Damn.  I used to be so good at that.  [Defining men by one word??]

I've got this picture my aunt gave me of my mom's first true love.  Mine I guess would be Addict, or a series of crushes I had in elementary, middle and high school.  Whatever.  But I look at this picture and wonder what kind of a man he was.  He is handsome. And he has this smile with perfect white teeth.  Curly hair that sits at his ears.  He is wearing a straw hat, purple shirt and standing in front of pool.  I remember my aunt telling me he was a life guard. Was he kind and gentle?  Or was he rough?  And why didn't it work out?  Did she get hurt?   My aunt told me she tried calling him recently for some reunion thing.  He told her to never call his house again.  So apparently the family name has some deep history in his life that we just don't know about.  My aunt didn't really give me a lot of details.  I don't think she knew actually....but I have his picture up.  And look at it and wonder sometimes....

I guess I have two explanations for this one.  His name is Crush because when I first met him, I was in 5th grade.  He was my best friend's [BFF2] older brother.  I will never forget the time we heard him having sex in the basement.  I wished more than anything that night that it would be me one day.  (My mother always said be careful what you wish for.)  He was a rebel.  Always in trouble.  Always angry.  He never really talked to me.  In fact, I don't think he did, at all.  Except once.  I had slept over and was up before everyone else..... to go babysitting.  As I walked out of BFF2s room he was there in the hallway.  I remember being stunned by him.  He was gorgeous.  And he knew it.  "Leaving now?"  "Yea..babysitting".  So lame. And to be honest, that is what most of our conversations consist of now.  That would have been 14 years ago.  And ever since then, I've always had a thing for him.

Explanation two. We all know I moved to Colorado last summer.  So I've been spending more and more time with said BFF2.  A bunch of us went out on Saint Patrick's Day.  Crush included.  I immediately went for him.  He came right back at me.  The problem?  He dated BFF2s neighbor for a while.  And I am just getting to know Neighbor.  And I like her.  She is my kind of girl.  Her personality, her humor, her trust.  And I managed to screw up a new friendship. She found out, and was hurt. I felt horrible. There is a possibility that she still reads this blog.  But maybe she has forgotten about it.  But I can't lie.  I have to have this out there.  And maybe she will understand my reasons for wanting to be with him.  Or maybe she won't.  but all the same, I hope she will accept me for who I am, and not hate me for what I have done. What's amazing about the whole thing was that it really was just sex.  We didn't talk.  And on the rare occasion we did talk, all he did was complain about shit. Even so, the hook-ups continued.  And continued and continued until last weekend.  That was it for me.  But that's another topic for another post.  Neighbor and I have talked about him, but not about me hooking up with him.  I feel guilty.  I mean sort of...in a way that I know I am making her upset.  But at the same time, I needed that freedom.  I am probably more screwed up in the head than all of my friends out there.  I even talked to my therapist about him.  And she said it is OK to have a fling, as long as you know you can get hurt. But I failed to mention Neighbor.  That might have changed what the therapist said. 

There is a whole series of posts between St. Patrick's Day and today.  But I'm just going to give the ending to you:  I got my childhood wish. I didn't get hurt. And Neighbor and I are still talking.  That's a perfect ending. 

Since the Half-Jew

If you write one story, it may be bad; if you write a hundred, you have the odds in your favor.-Edgar Rice Burroughs


It seems as though summer is the only chance I get to write.  Which is a shame, because I believe writing is like exercising.   You need to keep doing it or else you lose the motivation.  Since the Half-Jew, I have gone out with Big Nose, Mr. In-The-Closet, Tattoos, Native and NC. And of course the fling with Crush. I feel like each one deserves their own post. So I shall try to do just that. 

My Break Up with the Half Jew

Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again.  ~Rosa Parks
He wasn't inspiring or particularly interesting. There was no deep meaningful connection. So, I'm not at all surprised to see that it ended. 

The fact that I haven't had anything to say about him in nearly two months pretty much sums it up.  I can't help but think of how things were with Little Lion Man.  I was giddy.  I had butterflies in my stomach.  I ached to talk to him every minute of every day.  Not a single feeling like that for the Half Jew. 

But I will say, it doesn't feel good.  It doesn't feel good to know you aren't wanted.  You aren't desired.  You aren't worthy. I've had this black cloud over my head for several months.  It just got a lot darker. Little Lion Man's family has pushed me out of their lives. I haven't met new people in a while.... I don't have a real job.  I'm running out of money. Sometimes I wonder if moving out here was a mistake.  I'm terribly homesick.  I miss my friends.  I miss my old job.  I can't believe I am actually thinking this...but damn do I miss the humidity.  I wake up every morning with cotton mouth.

Half Jew was a distraction.  He was a distraction from my life. 

My current state with the half jew

No fancy quote this time folks.

I broke my laptop.....so I am relying on this ipad, which isn't half bad. I just can't type as fast as I normally would.

I've spent the past week crying every night over Little Lion Man. I miss him. And all these dates with people have made realize that no one will ever compare. I'm still angry at what he did. I accept it. But I'm angry. He made me a promise. A promise that took me a while to accept, but i did. And then he broke that promise. Really broke it. Tore it up. Spit on it. And Then shot it. But I accept it. In a way.

I'm angry. I'm angry that for the second time in my life things have not gone my way. Really. It's bullshit. I'm tired of getting shit on.

So here is the half Jew. I finally told him my story. My pathetic depressing story. And in reality, i think you would have to be a tad bit crazy to still be ointerested in me if you heard it.

So there we were. Sitting on my porch. Wine in hand. First I told him my ugly habit. He accepted it and said he would do what he could to help me through it.

Then i told him the depressing deep dark story of my life. His response? "Can I give you a hug?" hmmm...well yea i guess. And it did help.

He didn't ask details but he said when i was ready i could tell him.

Then he told me his deep dark history. And I guess we all have them. So maybe you aren't crazy for not running out my front door.

I opened up.

He opened up.

It was a relief....in a way...

In the beginning i was glad he didn't know my past. I could be me without that. And it was nice. But i could only put up that front for so long. And i think that mit be why i was so frustrated on the camping trip. I wanted to let it all out then...but I couldn't, obviously the timing wasn't right...but on this particular night on my porch...it was.

I don't see where i will be with this guy in a month or a year. But i do see myself going out with him tomorrow and next week. And im looking forward to it.

It's nice to meet someone who knows nothing of you...what so ever...and you gradually learn about them. It's exciting. Annoying when they are driving..but still exciting.

I know I will never get over Little Lion Man. It just won't happen. He has a large piece of my heart for the rest of my life. And i know i will never meet anyone like him again. I might not even ever feel that way about anyone ever again.

But for now...getting to know a stranger is what I need. And in the process I am learning about myself...parts of myself that have always been there but are just now coming out.

Man...i gotta find a good quote for this post....

PS Big Nose sent me a series of texts...which I responded to...of course. I swear, I have to have the last word. Friends kept telling me to not respond...but I HAVE TO RESPOND TO A TEXT!!!! So anyways....he ended up sending me a dirty video. Sigh......stupid boys. Not a w to win a girl over...or even get in her pants. Ugh. I didn't respond to that one.

Really?!

The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision.
Helen Keller

Therefore, I am pathetic.   

My Camping Trip with Half Jew

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.

-- Joyce Brothers

 

You can find out a lot about a person by going camping with them. 

I think I learned too much.  But it was a good thing.  Doubt this guy is for me.  I wish I could say, "Well..he's nice but..."  I can't.  We were listening to the radio and I said I liked the song playing. He turned the station about 30 seconds later.  I thought he was kidding.  Nope.  He just didn't want to listen to it.  Not nice.

He isn't patient.  At all.  I'm pretty sure he yelled at every car on the road.  And we were flipped off several times. 

He whines.  A lot.  His back hurt.  His neck hurt. His arm hurt. 

I realize I wasn't at the top of my game either.  I was a bit cranky.  But everything he did annoyed me.  EVERYTHING. 

On paper, he is perfect for me.  But "on paper" never works.  I don't even think I could be friends with him. 

I guess its one thing to go on a date with someone for a few hours.  And another thing to be with them for more than 24 hours.

My Second Date with The Half Jew

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
~ Wendy Leibman 

He isn't even really Jewish.  Neither am I.  But having a parent who is Jewish qualifies you as being half Jewish. Just not in the eyes of Jewish community.  

We both have the coupon gene. We can spot a deal a mile away.  But we are both horrible with money.  

We both moved to a new place to experience something different.  

He loves my truck more than I love my truck.  

Ya know...important stuff! 

My Evening with The Half Jew

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.--Dr. Suess

I really don't want to say a whole lot about last night.  Maybe I'm afraid I might jinx it? 


I keep writing about the evening..and then deleting it....


Sorry...but I'm keep this to myself for a while...

My Date with Denali

Remember, men need laughter sometimes more than food.  ~Anna Fellows Johnston

For a few weeks I sort of swore off dating.  It wasn't bad, I was just starting to feel like it was a waste of time.  Also, men on POF starting messaging me not realizing they had messaged me last month, when I told them I was not interested.  

After reading another blog, I came across another dating site, OkCupid.com. I thought I would give it a shot.  I actually like it a lot more than POF.  Much more more user friendly.  And you can quickly tell who is serious about dating, and who isn't.  

Two weeks ago, Denali sent me a message:

If Bigfoot chased you whilst on a scooter with a cup of coffee...um, don't buy ripe bannanas that day:) 

Needless to say, I decided I would go out with him. We agreed on Korean BBQ after having a long talk about southern food and Japanese food.  

Meeting him at the restaurant, I saw he drove a truck, but didn't give it a second thought.  


I knew going into this date, that he wasn't the most attractive man I've ever seen, but his humor was a huge turn on.  He is tall and looks as Italian as it gets. I found out he has his own real estate business but he wants to go to law school.  We talked about the politics of education and he showed a clear respect for educators, knowing quite a lot about the public school system in Colorado.  

Our meal was fantastic.  Expensive, but fantastic.  We ended up heading to a bar after, where I did not run into Jew!  We talked for a few hours. By midnight I was crashing.  After spending an entire day at a wine festival and then having an extravagant meal, I was done.  I drove him back to his truck.  

It was awkward...really awkward.  He gave me a high five...and I laughed my ass off.  Then he hugged me, which doesn't really work when you are sitting in a truck.  So then he got out, opened my door and planted one on me.  I wasn't really expecting it, but there ya go.  Kiss on a first date.  I think I need to throw that rule out the window. 

As I pulled away, I noticed his truck was a Denali.....a newer, prettier version of my Beast.  

My Morning

Another Sunrise, Another New Beginning.- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I believe I can see the next bar I should grab.  Yup.  There it is.  In my sight.  

Stay tuned....

My Driving Trip with Big Nose

Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go. – The Wonder Years

There are a few expectations I had for Colorado.  #1: Denver is so large, you aren't going to run into people you know all the time.  Specifically, people you have slept with. 

So much for that expectation.  I was driving to see my aunt for an evening concert in the park.  I have to leave pretty early to somewhat avoid traffic.  Although, to be honest, I never can avoid it. 

I'm driving along..when BAM.  Traffic.  It comes to a stop.  Fine...whatever.  I have my music....There is an SUV in front of me, with a familiar turtle sticker.  I think, "Hmm, I've seen that before.  Wait, I've been in that car before."  Oh shit.  It's him.  Big Nose.  Really?!  He doesn't live around here.  He doesn't work around here.  What the hell??  Out of all the people I could see?!  There is so much traffic that I am sure I can lose him, without him noticing me. 

Hopeful thinking.

At one point, I've passed him, and then he passes me.  SHIT.  I watched him, and he was clearly looking in his rear view mirror.  I passed him again, thinking, "Ok, this is it, I'm going to lose him."  Nope.  I watched with horror as the lane to my left sped up, while my lane slowed down.  He passed me again, looking in his rear view mirror.  He is relatively short, so I know when he has to sit all the way up in his seat and lean forward, he is checking out the rearview mirror.  It made me nervous when I rode with him.  I wanted to scream, "JUST ADJUST THE MIRROR!" 

"Yes, dumbass, it's me.  No doubt about it.  How many people do you see driving around with NC plates??"  This continued for at least 20 minutes, maybe longer.  It sure did feel longer.  I passed him.  He passed me.  All the while, I pretended not to notice him.  But, he clearly knew it was me.  I could feel his eyes burning holes in me. 

To my point:

He is the one that blew me off.  Not me.  HIM.  I'm not going to wave and smile, and act like everything is OK.  Because its not.  He blew me off.  I don't play. My aunt and I actually had a conversation about people who are unreliable.  She asked me, 'How come you always come when you say you will, but my other friends don't?"  Easy answer, "One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone blows me off.  So, I'm not about to do it to someone else."

I'm thrilled.  "It's a great hair day.  I feel skinny.  My make up looks great.  I'm wearing my sexy sunglasses. I look hot.  So take that, Big Nose!  You are missing out!" 

I finally took my exit, losing him.....

How is it possible that I can run into people I know, in this massive city?!  I mean, COME ON!  Give me a break.  I had finally forgotten about him...and then BAM.  He's there. 

The article from earlier today put things into perspective though.  I've let go of him, of that bar.  I'm flying now.  No going back.  No going back, trying to grab that bar.  It's gone.  And if I try to reach for it, I will surely fall....and I'm not willing to fall.  I'm waiting for the next bar....   

Peace out Big Nose. 

My Day/Week/Month/Year? of Flying Through the Air

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. -Charles Darwin

While trolling the internet for worthy blogs to read, I came across Jenny.  She used to worked for Google for 5 and half years and then quit to pursue her dreams.  She is currently a speaker, coach and author. In one of her vlog posts, she mentions this article. It is about how we go through life holding onto one trapeze bar.  We hold on tight because we are comfortable and relaxed there.  We can even become paralyzed by fear.  Eventually, we know we are going to have to let go because change is coming. We will have to swing to the next bar we can't even see yet.  And it's in that moment, flying through the air, we make the biggest growth. 

At the moment, I am flying through the air.  I quit the most stable job I have ever had, to move back to Colorado.  I left many friends behind. I moved without knowing what was going to happen in the next week, month or year.  I didn't let the uncertainty paralyze me. And during this time, I have had the opportunity to reflect on my life, who I am, what makes me tick, what makes me smile.  This can be applied to all aspects of my life; family, friends, money, dating, etc.

Jenny mentions how we know what we should do in our hearts, but our mind tends to take over the practical matters, limiting what we actually do. I allowed my heart to take over to bring me to this place.  I knew I was sacrificing a job, money, benefits, and stability.  And I still don't know what's around the corner.  But here I am. Living my life. Perfectly happy with the choice I made.   I had the courage to let go of the first bar and I'm thrilled to know the second bar is right around the corner...

What change or transitions are you going through, or will be going through? 

My Day of Unintentionally Shopping for Men at the Grocery Store

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.  ~Bo Derek

Who would have thought I would be inspired to write from a trip to the grocery store? Today's trip proved to be quite enjoyable for me.  Normally, I can't stand it.  I hate crowds of shoppers.  

To understand my local grocery store, you have to understand my neighborhood.  It is a mix between Little Cuba, Little Mexico and Little Korea. The neighborhood is also relatively poor (me included).   I have to be careful which days I choose to go shopping because some days are WIC days and some are food stamp days.  On those days, there aren't any shopping carts left.  


Today was not a WIC or food stamp day.  When I walked in the store I saw rows upon rows of empty shopping carts.   YES!  I head to produce first, digging through my purse for my coupons and list.  I see a very attractive guy with another guy who looks to be handicapped. They are different races so I doubt they are related.  Eavesdropping on their conversation, I get the impression that they are shopping for a large group of people.  Maybe some kind of halfway house? Whatever it is, the attractive guy is either volunteering or he is actually getting paid to help people.  Throughout the entire shopping trip we keep bumping into each other.  No complaints here though.  Days like this, I really wish I had the balls to approach men.  


Last week there was a flood at the front of the store, making it all but impossible to navigate the isles. It took all the employees to mop it up. Today? In the deli section, a large display of refrigerated meat had fallen. And it took nearly half the employees to clean it up.  


Laughing over the pathetic shape of the store, I went on to the cereal isle.  This isle can be my worst nightmare.  I really want to grab Lucky Charms, maybe even 5 boxes.  But I know Fiber One is the better choice.  Oh hey!  Out of Fiber One.  Last week they were out of Cherrios.  I start to get a little frustrated when HELLO.  Attractive guy #2 comes down the isle.  He is dark, Italian dark.  5 o'clock shadow.  White t-shirt.  Jeans.  Thick hair.  What is this?  In NC, I would be lucky to see ONE attractive guy at the grocery store.  I make a mental note that Tuesday is the day to go shopping.  


As I stare at my endless choices of cereal, he does the same.  It seems like a lifetime.  Really?!  Why can't I just walk up and say something cheesy about the cereal.  Why??  I finally decide on Cherrios and move on to the dairy section, leaving attractive guy #2 behind.  


Rummaging through my coupons, a man walks up to me.  "Excuse me." "Yes?" He pulls out his cell phone and I think he is going to ask for my number.  Not that I would give it to him.  He was much older, and clearly smoked WAY too much. "I was wondering if I could buy 20 dollars of groceries for you for 30 dollars. I really need some gas money." Quick math calculation in my head-and I didn't even ask if I was supposed to give him the extra ten, or he was giving me the extra ten.  He didn't make ANY sense.  And if you have money to buy me groceries, go put it in your tank instead.  Weirdo.  "Um, no, I don't think so."  


Back to the deli to see if they are done cleaning up so I can get my turkey.  Attractive guys #3 and #4.  Seriously.  #3 had long dreads and was a stereotypical hippie.  But he was hot.  And not nearly as stoned as the creep.  #4 was pushing around a stroller, but didn't matter.  He was hot.  And am I the only person that gets sliced turkey a quarter inch thick?  The deli guy thought I was nuts.  People use deli meat for things other than sandwiches.  Price tag-$7 a pound.  Eh, not bad.  In NC, it was typically 8.99.  I get two pounds.  Poor guy that thinks I'm nuts, hands me my turkey.  I check the sticker.  Total price-$5.32.  Wha???  "Um, is this right?" "Shh...don't tell anyone."  Was he hitting on me?  


At this point, I'm tired of shopping.  My cart is over flowing and the thought of going up to my third story apartment is exhausting.  Plus it's hot.  Really hot.  I decide to head over to the cashiers.  No lines!  Fantastic!  Tuesday must be the day to go shopping.  I see attractive guy #2 finishing his purchase. Hope I see him next Tuesday.  As the cashier is ringing up my numerous items, I see attractive guy #5 at the coin counter.  Baseball hat, tall...boot on foot.  Sports injury maybe?  He sees me watching him.  I blush.


Attractive guy#1 is in the lane next to me with his friend.  The friend is starring at me and I'm trying to stop the blushing.  Attractive guy says something to him and he stops.  

I walk out with my full cart and don't even notice all the litter and gunk in the parking lot like I usually do.  So many men!  Shopping can make you happy! Attractive guy #1 is parked next to me.  I realize I have seen the friend here at the store before, but he was with a different guy.  I really wonder what that is about.  Maybe I will find out next Tuesday....

My Evening with Geek

A mighty flame followeth a tiny spark. -Dante Alighieri

I explored downtown yesterday.  It made me realize how much I hate traffic.  Why did I think a Friday afternoon would be a good time to explore downtown?  Stupid.  But guess who I ran into?!  Jew!  I mean really, buddy.  This town isn't big enough for the both of us. I managed to make it home safely.  Not doing that again. 

Geek and I have been talking since before I moved out here.  He calls himself a geek so I'm rolling with it. We've tried meeting before, but something always came up for one or both of us.  So yesterday when he sent me a text asking if I wanted to get together for drinks, I jumped at the chance.  Although, I have to tell you, I'm getting kind of sick of all these first dates.  My best friend reminded me that it is all about experience.  So going into this date, I wasn't overly excited.  But happy to finally be meeting this guy I had been talking to for two months. 


We met at a local bar. When Geek walked in, he immediately walked over to me. I had no question about who he was. We enjoyed a few beers, had some food and decided to go for a walk. We watched the sun set over the mountains.  So cheesy.  But it was nice.  He led the conversation which put me at ease.  After the sun set, we called it a night and went to pay our tabs.  He managed to pay for mine without me noticing.  That was very nice of him.  I walked him to his car and gave him a hug and headed back to my place. Overall, it was a nice date.  He wasn't pushy and he didn't insult me like Miami did.   

I'm not sure if I would go out with Geek again.  He was very nice and I was very comfortable around him.  But there weren't any sparks.  I'm looking for sparks.  Maybe not fireworks, but there has to be something there.  And there just wasn't with Geek.  Oh well....

My evening with ME

All human beings are also dream beings. Dreaming ties all mankind together. -Jack Kerouac

 
Last night was pretty uneventful.  In fact, most of my nights are...believe it or not.  I'm getting to the point where boredom is taking over.  I've done enough shopping to put a dent in my bank account.  I've done enough cooking to gain 10 pounds.  I've done enough pool time to consider seeing a dermatologist. So basically my nights...are...well, lame.

Lately I've been having strange dreams..mostly due to the boredom.  Last night was the strangest.  I had a dream about my cousin.  The last time I spoke with him was at his wedding last summer.  Every now and then we say something on stalkerbook, but that is rare.  But last night I had a dream about him.  He was trying to get into my apartment complex.  The gate kept calling me.  I finally answered, and they said it was him.  So I tell them to let him in.  He comes to my apartment, with beer in hand.  The next thing I remember, I'm cleaning up after him (somewhat annoyed..but also realizing that's how it is).  Everywhere I look is a beer can.  A beer can for me to pick up. I wake up, remembering more than that, and make it a point to email my aunt to tell her.

I checked stalkerbook today (for the first time since Sunday..which is big for me, because I usually check it every hour).  Turns out the cousin and his wife are pregnant.  And they just found out. **Update** They might induce on my birthday!  Ha!  :)

My aunt used to tell me stories of her ESP moments with my mom.  I used to not believe it.....

My Evening without Big Nose

A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. -Friedrich Nietzsche


So tonight didn't happen with Big Nose.  Surprisingly, I'm not bummed about it.  That should tell me something...

My Date with Miami

Carrie: You have to figure ... if the world's fattest twins can find love, there's hope for all of us. Somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us, understand us, and kiss our 3 heads and make it all better.


We were supposed to meet a while back.  In fact, I was waiting on him, when he sent me a text saying he had been rear ended.  I didn't believe him.  But still made plans again with him the following week.  Then my truck's brakes gave out.  So I ditched him.  Then we were supposed to meet again...and I canceled because I had a bad day.

So the night finally comes where I am going to meet him.  It takes awhile to agree on a place to meet.  But we do. I make the mistake of saying 9 or later.  I should have just said 9.  So I show up at 9.  And wait.  And wait some more.  I saw Jew.  I know! Small world.  As I sat there waiting, I wrote a mini post on my phone.  Mostly about Jew.  I'll have to remember to transfer it to this...I do remember pointing out the fact that Big Nose and Jew have the same real name.  Did I know that before?  Did that occur to me before?  Do I really think of them in my head as "Big Nose" and "Jew"??

An hour and half later...why did I wait?  Well, I had blown him off the previous two times, so didn't mind.  And what was I going to do on a Friday night?  I'd rather be out somewhere...even if the creepy guy next to me is watching my every move like he is getting ready to pounce.  Creepy.  But still better than sitting at home...alone...watching my non-existent TV.

At one point, this guy walks up to the bartender and orders a drink.  He reeks of cologne.  And I pray it isn't him.  I try to remember what his profile picture looked like..but all I can remember is Miami (where he is from). Turns out...to not be him.  Thank god.

I get a text saying he is there. Well..no he isn't.  No one has walked in in the past 10 minutes.  So I tell him to come in.  It takes a lifetime for him to come in.  We say our hellos..and I point out the fact that it is 10:30. And I've just realized, he is the first guy I haven't hugged when meeting. He chuckles and says, "I know, I know."  No apology.  OK.  Still..better than no TV.  As we talk, I have to lean in because the music has all of a sudden gotten really loud.  He smells like a tanning bed.  He is dark, so I ask, "Do you tan?"  Nope, just his lotion.  HA.  Miami is truly the best name for him.  He is cute...and then I remember his pictures.  This guy is the fat version of the guy online.

Then the conversation slowly turns into better than TV.  He has a masters degree, in business. He is Italian (ah...maybe he really doesn't tan). He has a boat.  He is making me laugh. Flirting.  Great.  Not such a bad evening after all.

Right.

He says he is going to the restroom.  10 minutes later, I find myself talking to a guy who could pass as a midget.  I know he is trying to hit on me.  I don't ignore him, because this is just too good.  I turn to see where the hell Miami went, and I see him talking on the phone.  Right, back to the midget.  We joke about his "airplane" drink. Just as he was asking if I wanted to join him and his friends, Miami walks up.  So, I politely decline. 

Miami tells me that he was on the phone with his mom. Right. I ask what he does for a living.  Something with IT...but he owns several businesses in Miami.  And one of them happens to be a .....wait......I'm not making this up...it happens to be a strip club.  I'm pretty sure I spit my drink out laughing so hard.  You have GOT to be kidding me.  "No, a strip a club."  That might have been rude of me to laugh so hard.  I mean, if you know what you are doing, I'm sure it brings in a lot of money.

We continue talking for a while, because this is just too entertaining.  He says he is going to the bathroom.  I wait.  I use the bathroom.  I order a water.  Drink my water.  Then pay my tab and leave.  I send him a text.  "Guess I've been blown off.  So I'm headed home." 

About an hour later he starts texting me.  Saying he didn't blow me off, he was on the phone....right...and you don't tell me...because?? And then....But he would really like to come over to my place.  "Right," I say in response.  Which I guess to Miami that meant yes because the texts continue. At this point, I ignore them.  Then he gets mean...and just doesn't stop.  So I turn my phone off.  I wake up this morning and at one point he says I invited him to my place (which I didn't).  And he will wait on no one.  so I should lose his number.

Wow. Dramatic ending. 

I'm supposed to go out with Big Nose tonight.  I'm pretty sure it won't be nearly as exciting as owning a strip club.  But I think I will be OK.

Email from Jock

Just got a surprising email from Jock. He sort of apologized for not getting in touch with me sooner.

Went on a rant about his phone and family emergency.....

And wait.  It is Friday night.  Date night.  Is he just lonely?  Or is this a sincere apology? And WHY do I have to over analyze EVERYTHING?!

At the time, I did want to go out with him again.  But I kind of feel like this is a red flag.

What to do?

Well, I already have a date lined up for tonight.  So no need to make a decision now...

At War with the Persian

"Love is temporary...but friends are forever." - Kelly Wheeler

It has been easy to give these guys fake names.  But not this one.  This one is tough.

And actually I'm leaving this as a draft because I'm not even really sure if I want it out there or not.

AHA!  Persian.  He is my Persian friend.  And I've adored him for 9 years.  Several of those years he was attached.  And the girl hated me.  With a passion.  She may have hated everyone for all I know because she was bat crazy.  But I'm pretty sure most of that hatred was pointed at me.

So we have always had this "thing".  I like him, he likes me.  But that's it.  Right before college ended I got into a serious relationship with Addict.  At my graduation party, Addict and Persian were there.  And Addict later told me he thought there was something between us but didn't want to come off as jealous by pointing it out. 

After college Persian and I sort of lost touch for a year, and then reconnected when I came back home for a job..leaving the Addict (for obvious reasons).

I know for sure we've been on one date, because that's what HE called it.  But I'd say there were many more, we just never actually called them that.

Once, he made me dinner for my birthday.  I was in heaven.  Not only was the food good, but he was great company.  That night it snowed (which at the time was rare for that area.) As my BFF roomy walks into us having dinner she has to inform us that it is snowing.  We were so wrapped up in each other, we didn't even realize it.  Of course, we went out and played in it.  Close to the perfect date.  Close to the best date ever.  But we never called it a "date".

Several weeks later, we went out for drinks.  I got loaded because I was so nervous around him.  Walking back to his car I managed to FALL in the middle of the street..with on coming traffic, laughing hysterically at my stupidity.  He quickly scooped me up before the head lights smashed into my face. At the next bar, I realized I had skinned up my knee pretty bad...and he leaned down and kissed it.  Maybe he was loaded too.  But I won't forget that.  

Our first kiss...was perfect.  Perfect.  He was gentle.  And held the back of my head.  He was confident, but not pushy.  We were in his car when he was taking me home one night. I invited him in.  And he stayed the night.  But we didn't do anything.   

We would go out every couple weeks.  Sometimes he would disappear for months at a time.  I recently asked him about that, and he said it was me that disappeared.  That really pissed me off.  Because I know it wasn't me.

So this went on for a couple years.  Go out..have a great time..probably kiss...and that's it.  So frustrating.  But I never let him stop me from seeing other people. 

Last year, maybe around October, we had our official "date".  He took me out for dinner and drinks.  He paid for everything.  We had a great time.  We kissed at the end of the night and I think he even stayed over..but no.  We did not have sex.  I asked him if he wanted to go out that next weekend and he said he had work to do. Fishing around on Stalkerbook a few weeks later, and really...not stalking HIM.  REALLY.  I was on his brother's page (who happens to also be my friend on Stalkerbook) when I noticed Persian's name.  I read the comment a girl posted. Something to the effect of, "It's been so nice seeing Persian lately.  He took me out last weekend-" the weekend he said he had work to do. Well fuck.  It isn't just me he is doing this to?!  Fuck.  I felt pretty shitty about that.  He lied and was seeing someone else. 

Then of course...he disappeared....or I stopped trying.  One of the two. I never did call him out on that lie.  I suppose I should have. 

I met someone else in December.  Little Lion Man. Who, I'm sure I will talk about eventually.  This is a blog about my dating life, and he was a huge part of it.

So I just stopped trying to get in touch with Persian.  I decided, That's it.  No more dragging me around.  Then of course when I stopped calling and texting, he started. A bunch of us went out right before my birthday (February) with friends. Right before Little Lion Man was coming to see me. Persian was part of the group that night. My BFF grilled him about how he shouldn't let a previous relationship (bat crazy girl) effect how he is living now.  He got pretty defensive.  And I believe she told him I had found someone else, so his chance with me was over.

He ended up at my house that night.  And we got into a huge fight about the same thing.  So we basically stopped talking.

Then, my relationship with Little Lion Man came to a drastic end in March.  I called Persian two nights after, crying.  He was on my doorstep within the hour.  And since, has been by my side. 

We ended up kissing again one night...this time it got more heavy.  But he would stop it.  Then we would continue.  Then I would stop it.  It was like a symbol of our relationship.  Tug of War.  So 9 years of adoring this man (for reasons I can't really understand)..we were never intimate.  NEVER.  Just kissed.  Did you get that?  9 years.  NINE.  I suppose I knew if I slept with him it would devastate me.  I would turn it into something entirely different than what he would turn it into.  I knew that.  And maybe he knew that too.

So here I am.  Living in a different "country" as he calls it.  We text every now and then.  I do want to keep in touch.  He was a friend to me when I needed one, even if there was some romantic tension.  We were texting one night.  Both bullshitting with each other, as we usually do.  When out of no where..he goes on this long dramatic rant about how I am just dragging him along and that I don't really keep in touch and I don't really care about him.  WHAT?  I fumed about it for all of five minutes.  He sent another text, "Then there was silence..."  I knew he was pushing my buttons.  He wanted me to go off on him.  Last year or last month I might have.  But I simply responded with, "I miss you."  And he said, "I'm glad you saw that as it was, sarcasm."

He has been supportive of everything I have done.  Even if he has been flaky at times...he was or is a good friend.  Not a best friend.  But a good friend.  And I do miss him.  I cried when I had to say goodbye to him.  (Not gut wrenching crying like when I said bye to my BFF.) I kind of knew I wouldn't see him again.  And if I do..well.  It will surprise me.

We went our separate ways.  That's all there is to it.  But there is only one other person that has given me "butterflies" like that, Little Lion Man...I hope one day I can find someone that makes me feel that way.  Even if he does royally piss me off.

Text from Perv

Perv and I have been texting for about a week now.  All fine and dandy.  And then today:

"Do you like sex?"

Didn't even respond to that one.  10 minutes later I get, "Guess not."

 Ugh.  Seriously?  What dumb girls have you been talking to that actually respond to that?  Do you like sex?  Really?!?!