“Mortals always want something more- they wish for money, but what
they're really after is to be carefree. Power when what they really want
is control. Beauty when they want love. Sometimes they know it,
sometimes they don't”
―
Jackson Pearce,
As You Wish
I forgot about this piece I wrote in my journal...The reason for the journal is pretty self explanatory.
4-23-12
This would be perfect for my blog-but that's not going to happen. Way too private [HA]. I was with Big Nose again-and then he disappeared....again... Shocker. Went out with NC from NC. [I forgot about him too! I need to update my list of recents...] Eh.
But the current situation? I'm bursting at the seams to talk to someone about it. I can't. There is no one.
Sex. Only sex. Sound familiar? I'm confused-by my own feelings of course. Is this someone I could like? Is this someone that could hurt me? How far will I let it go before I do get hurt? And is that really a possibility? Can he hurt me? How many has he hurt? I know of at least one...
Why are my feelings all wrapped in this? I'm fine when I'm around him.[I wonder if I mean my emotions are in check when I am with him?] Everything is fine. I have fun. I enjoy myself. How do I keep it at that though? Can I maintain this? [How could I maintain the emotional distance?]
The sex is amazing. I'm so free. That doesn't happen with many men. For example- The Half Jew. I was so self conscious. But this one? I don't have a care in the world.
I know it isn't forever. But can I tryst myself to just enjoy it while it does last?
All them men I've been out with have been given names. What shall I name him? [I think we have figured that out.]
I can't think of a single good name. Damn. I used to be so good at that. [Defining men by one word??]
I've got this picture my aunt gave me of my mom's first true love. Mine I guess would be Addict, or a series of crushes I had in elementary, middle and high school. Whatever. But I look at this picture and wonder what kind of a man he was. He is handsome. And he has this smile with perfect white teeth. Curly hair that sits at his ears. He is wearing a straw hat, purple shirt and standing in front of pool. I remember my aunt telling me he was a life guard. Was he kind and gentle? Or was he rough? And why didn't it work out? Did she get hurt? My aunt told me she tried calling him recently for some reunion thing. He told her to never call his house again. So apparently the family name has some deep history in his life that we just don't know about. My aunt didn't really give me a lot of details. I don't think she knew actually....but I have his picture up. And look at it and wonder sometimes....
I guess I have two explanations for this one. His name is Crush because when I first met him, I was in 5th grade. He was my best friend's [BFF2] older brother. I will never forget the time we heard him having sex in the basement. I wished more than anything that night that it would be me one day. (My mother always said be careful what you wish for.) He was a rebel. Always in trouble. Always angry. He never really talked to me. In fact, I don't think he did, at all. Except once. I had slept over and was up before everyone else..... to go babysitting. As I walked out of BFF2s room he was there in the hallway. I remember being stunned by him. He was gorgeous. And he knew it. "Leaving now?" "Yea..babysitting". So lame. And to be honest, that is what most of our conversations consist of now. That would have been 14 years ago. And ever since then, I've always had a thing for him.
Explanation two. We all know I moved to Colorado last summer. So I've been spending more and more time with said BFF2. A bunch of us went out on Saint Patrick's Day. Crush included. I immediately went for him. He came right back at me. The problem? He dated BFF2s neighbor for a while. And I am just getting to know Neighbor. And I like her. She is my kind of girl. Her personality, her humor, her trust. And I managed to screw up a new friendship. She found out, and was hurt. I felt horrible. There is a possibility that she still reads this blog. But maybe she has forgotten about it. But I can't lie. I have to have this out there. And maybe she will understand my reasons for wanting to be with him. Or maybe she won't. but all the same, I hope she will accept me for who I am, and not hate me for what I have done. What's amazing about the whole thing was that it really was just sex. We didn't talk. And on the rare occasion we did talk, all he did was complain about shit. Even so, the hook-ups continued. And continued and continued until last weekend. That was it for me. But that's another topic for another post. Neighbor and I have talked about him, but not about me hooking up with him. I feel guilty. I mean sort of...in a way that I know I am making her upset. But at the same time, I needed that freedom. I am probably more screwed up in the head than all of my friends out there. I even talked to my therapist about him. And she said it is OK to have a fling, as long as you know you can get hurt. But I failed to mention Neighbor. That might have changed what the therapist said.
There is a whole series of posts between St. Patrick's Day and today. But I'm just going to give the ending to you: I got my childhood wish. I didn't get hurt. And Neighbor and I are still talking. That's a perfect ending.
Showing posts with label Addict. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Addict. Show all posts
Friday, June 15, 2012
Thursday, July 28, 2011
At War with the Persian
"Love is temporary...but friends are forever." - Kelly Wheeler
It has been easy to give these guys fake names. But not this one. This one is tough.
And actually I'm leaving this as a draft because I'm not even really sure if I want it out there or not.
AHA! Persian. He is my Persian friend. And I've adored him for 9 years. Several of those years he was attached. And the girl hated me. With a passion. She may have hated everyone for all I know because she was bat crazy. But I'm pretty sure most of that hatred was pointed at me.
So we have always had this "thing". I like him, he likes me. But that's it. Right before college ended I got into a serious relationship with Addict. At my graduation party, Addict and Persian were there. And Addict later told me he thought there was something between us but didn't want to come off as jealous by pointing it out.
After college Persian and I sort of lost touch for a year, and then reconnected when I came back home for a job..leaving the Addict (for obvious reasons).
I know for sure we've been on one date, because that's what HE called it. But I'd say there were many more, we just never actually called them that.
Once, he made me dinner for my birthday. I was in heaven. Not only was the food good, but he was great company. That night it snowed (which at the time was rare for that area.) As my BFF roomy walks into us having dinner she has to inform us that it is snowing. We were so wrapped up in each other, we didn't even realize it. Of course, we went out and played in it. Close to the perfect date. Close to the best date ever. But we never called it a "date".
Several weeks later, we went out for drinks. I got loaded because I was so nervous around him. Walking back to his car I managed to FALL in the middle of the street..with on coming traffic, laughing hysterically at my stupidity. He quickly scooped me up before the head lights smashed into my face. At the next bar, I realized I had skinned up my knee pretty bad...and he leaned down and kissed it. Maybe he was loaded too. But I won't forget that.
Our first kiss...was perfect. Perfect. He was gentle. And held the back of my head. He was confident, but not pushy. We were in his car when he was taking me home one night. I invited him in. And he stayed the night. But we didn't do anything.
We would go out every couple weeks. Sometimes he would disappear for months at a time. I recently asked him about that, and he said it was me that disappeared. That really pissed me off. Because I know it wasn't me.
So this went on for a couple years. Go out..have a great time..probably kiss...and that's it. So frustrating. But I never let him stop me from seeing other people.
Last year, maybe around October, we had our official "date". He took me out for dinner and drinks. He paid for everything. We had a great time. We kissed at the end of the night and I think he even stayed over..but no. We did not have sex. I asked him if he wanted to go out that next weekend and he said he had work to do. Fishing around on Stalkerbook a few weeks later, and really...not stalking HIM. REALLY. I was on his brother's page (who happens to also be my friend on Stalkerbook) when I noticed Persian's name. I read the comment a girl posted. Something to the effect of, "It's been so nice seeing Persian lately. He took me out last weekend-" the weekend he said he had work to do. Well fuck. It isn't just me he is doing this to?! Fuck. I felt pretty shitty about that. He lied and was seeing someone else.
Then of course...he disappeared....or I stopped trying. One of the two. I never did call him out on that lie. I suppose I should have.
I met someone else in December. Little Lion Man. Who, I'm sure I will talk about eventually. This is a blog about my dating life, and he was a huge part of it.
So I just stopped trying to get in touch with Persian. I decided, That's it. No more dragging me around. Then of course when I stopped calling and texting, he started. A bunch of us went out right before my birthday (February) with friends. Right before Little Lion Man was coming to see me. Persian was part of the group that night. My BFF grilled him about how he shouldn't let a previous relationship (bat crazy girl) effect how he is living now. He got pretty defensive. And I believe she told him I had found someone else, so his chance with me was over.
He ended up at my house that night. And we got into a huge fight about the same thing. So we basically stopped talking.
Then, my relationship with Little Lion Man came to a drastic end in March. I called Persian two nights after, crying. He was on my doorstep within the hour. And since, has been by my side.
We ended up kissing again one night...this time it got more heavy. But he would stop it. Then we would continue. Then I would stop it. It was like a symbol of our relationship. Tug of War. So 9 years of adoring this man (for reasons I can't really understand)..we were never intimate. NEVER. Just kissed. Did you get that? 9 years. NINE. I suppose I knew if I slept with him it would devastate me. I would turn it into something entirely different than what he would turn it into. I knew that. And maybe he knew that too.
So here I am. Living in a different "country" as he calls it. We text every now and then. I do want to keep in touch. He was a friend to me when I needed one, even if there was some romantic tension. We were texting one night. Both bullshitting with each other, as we usually do. When out of no where..he goes on this long dramatic rant about how I am just dragging him along and that I don't really keep in touch and I don't really care about him. WHAT? I fumed about it for all of five minutes. He sent another text, "Then there was silence..." I knew he was pushing my buttons. He wanted me to go off on him. Last year or last month I might have. But I simply responded with, "I miss you." And he said, "I'm glad you saw that as it was, sarcasm."
He has been supportive of everything I have done. Even if he has been flaky at times...he was or is a good friend. Not a best friend. But a good friend. And I do miss him. I cried when I had to say goodbye to him. (Not gut wrenching crying like when I said bye to my BFF.) I kind of knew I wouldn't see him again. And if I do..well. It will surprise me.
We went our separate ways. That's all there is to it. But there is only one other person that has given me "butterflies" like that, Little Lion Man...I hope one day I can find someone that makes me feel that way. Even if he does royally piss me off.
It has been easy to give these guys fake names. But not this one. This one is tough.
And actually I'm leaving this as a draft because I'm not even really sure if I want it out there or not.
AHA! Persian. He is my Persian friend. And I've adored him for 9 years. Several of those years he was attached. And the girl hated me. With a passion. She may have hated everyone for all I know because she was bat crazy. But I'm pretty sure most of that hatred was pointed at me.
So we have always had this "thing". I like him, he likes me. But that's it. Right before college ended I got into a serious relationship with Addict. At my graduation party, Addict and Persian were there. And Addict later told me he thought there was something between us but didn't want to come off as jealous by pointing it out.
After college Persian and I sort of lost touch for a year, and then reconnected when I came back home for a job..leaving the Addict (for obvious reasons).
I know for sure we've been on one date, because that's what HE called it. But I'd say there were many more, we just never actually called them that.
Once, he made me dinner for my birthday. I was in heaven. Not only was the food good, but he was great company. That night it snowed (which at the time was rare for that area.) As my BFF roomy walks into us having dinner she has to inform us that it is snowing. We were so wrapped up in each other, we didn't even realize it. Of course, we went out and played in it. Close to the perfect date. Close to the best date ever. But we never called it a "date".
Several weeks later, we went out for drinks. I got loaded because I was so nervous around him. Walking back to his car I managed to FALL in the middle of the street..with on coming traffic, laughing hysterically at my stupidity. He quickly scooped me up before the head lights smashed into my face. At the next bar, I realized I had skinned up my knee pretty bad...and he leaned down and kissed it. Maybe he was loaded too. But I won't forget that.
Our first kiss...was perfect. Perfect. He was gentle. And held the back of my head. He was confident, but not pushy. We were in his car when he was taking me home one night. I invited him in. And he stayed the night. But we didn't do anything.
We would go out every couple weeks. Sometimes he would disappear for months at a time. I recently asked him about that, and he said it was me that disappeared. That really pissed me off. Because I know it wasn't me.
So this went on for a couple years. Go out..have a great time..probably kiss...and that's it. So frustrating. But I never let him stop me from seeing other people.
Last year, maybe around October, we had our official "date". He took me out for dinner and drinks. He paid for everything. We had a great time. We kissed at the end of the night and I think he even stayed over..but no. We did not have sex. I asked him if he wanted to go out that next weekend and he said he had work to do. Fishing around on Stalkerbook a few weeks later, and really...not stalking HIM. REALLY. I was on his brother's page (who happens to also be my friend on Stalkerbook) when I noticed Persian's name. I read the comment a girl posted. Something to the effect of, "It's been so nice seeing Persian lately. He took me out last weekend-" the weekend he said he had work to do. Well fuck. It isn't just me he is doing this to?! Fuck. I felt pretty shitty about that. He lied and was seeing someone else.
Then of course...he disappeared....or I stopped trying. One of the two. I never did call him out on that lie. I suppose I should have.
I met someone else in December. Little Lion Man. Who, I'm sure I will talk about eventually. This is a blog about my dating life, and he was a huge part of it.
So I just stopped trying to get in touch with Persian. I decided, That's it. No more dragging me around. Then of course when I stopped calling and texting, he started. A bunch of us went out right before my birthday (February) with friends. Right before Little Lion Man was coming to see me. Persian was part of the group that night. My BFF grilled him about how he shouldn't let a previous relationship (bat crazy girl) effect how he is living now. He got pretty defensive. And I believe she told him I had found someone else, so his chance with me was over.
He ended up at my house that night. And we got into a huge fight about the same thing. So we basically stopped talking.
Then, my relationship with Little Lion Man came to a drastic end in March. I called Persian two nights after, crying. He was on my doorstep within the hour. And since, has been by my side.
We ended up kissing again one night...this time it got more heavy. But he would stop it. Then we would continue. Then I would stop it. It was like a symbol of our relationship. Tug of War. So 9 years of adoring this man (for reasons I can't really understand)..we were never intimate. NEVER. Just kissed. Did you get that? 9 years. NINE. I suppose I knew if I slept with him it would devastate me. I would turn it into something entirely different than what he would turn it into. I knew that. And maybe he knew that too.
So here I am. Living in a different "country" as he calls it. We text every now and then. I do want to keep in touch. He was a friend to me when I needed one, even if there was some romantic tension. We were texting one night. Both bullshitting with each other, as we usually do. When out of no where..he goes on this long dramatic rant about how I am just dragging him along and that I don't really keep in touch and I don't really care about him. WHAT? I fumed about it for all of five minutes. He sent another text, "Then there was silence..." I knew he was pushing my buttons. He wanted me to go off on him. Last year or last month I might have. But I simply responded with, "I miss you." And he said, "I'm glad you saw that as it was, sarcasm."
He has been supportive of everything I have done. Even if he has been flaky at times...he was or is a good friend. Not a best friend. But a good friend. And I do miss him. I cried when I had to say goodbye to him. (Not gut wrenching crying like when I said bye to my BFF.) I kind of knew I wouldn't see him again. And if I do..well. It will surprise me.
We went our separate ways. That's all there is to it. But there is only one other person that has given me "butterflies" like that, Little Lion Man...I hope one day I can find someone that makes me feel that way. Even if he does royally piss me off.
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