The Private Parts on Crush

“Mortals always want something more- they wish for money, but what they're really after is to be carefree. Power when what they really want is control. Beauty when they want love. Sometimes they know it, sometimes they don't” ― Jackson Pearce, As You Wish
I forgot about this piece I wrote in my journal...The reason for the journal is pretty self explanatory.

4-23-12
This would be perfect for my blog-but that's not going to happen. Way too private [HA]. I was with Big Nose again-and then he disappeared....again...   Shocker.  Went out with NC from NC.  [I forgot about him too!  I need to update my list of recents...] Eh.

But the current situation?  I'm bursting at the seams to talk to someone about it.  I can't.  There is no one.  

Sex. Only sex.  Sound familiar?  I'm confused-by my own feelings of course.  Is this someone I could like?  Is this someone that could hurt me?  How far will I let it go before I do get hurt?  And is that really a possibility?  Can he hurt me?  How many has he hurt? I know of at least one...

Why are my feelings all wrapped in this?  I'm fine when I'm around him.[I wonder if I mean my emotions are in check when I am with him?]  Everything is fine.  I have fun.  I enjoy myself.  How do I keep it at that though?  Can I maintain this?  [How could I maintain the emotional distance?]

The sex is amazing.  I'm so free.  That doesn't happen with many men.  For example- The Half Jew. I was so self conscious.  But this one?  I don't have a care in the world.  

I know it isn't forever.  But can I tryst myself to just enjoy it while it does last?

All them men I've been out with have been given names.  What shall I name him? [I think we have figured that out.]

I can't think of a single good name.  Damn.  I used to be so good at that.  [Defining men by one word??]

I've got this picture my aunt gave me of my mom's first true love.  Mine I guess would be Addict, or a series of crushes I had in elementary, middle and high school.  Whatever.  But I look at this picture and wonder what kind of a man he was.  He is handsome. And he has this smile with perfect white teeth.  Curly hair that sits at his ears.  He is wearing a straw hat, purple shirt and standing in front of pool.  I remember my aunt telling me he was a life guard. Was he kind and gentle?  Or was he rough?  And why didn't it work out?  Did she get hurt?   My aunt told me she tried calling him recently for some reunion thing.  He told her to never call his house again.  So apparently the family name has some deep history in his life that we just don't know about.  My aunt didn't really give me a lot of details.  I don't think she knew actually....but I have his picture up.  And look at it and wonder sometimes....

I guess I have two explanations for this one.  His name is Crush because when I first met him, I was in 5th grade.  He was my best friend's [BFF2] older brother.  I will never forget the time we heard him having sex in the basement.  I wished more than anything that night that it would be me one day.  (My mother always said be careful what you wish for.)  He was a rebel.  Always in trouble.  Always angry.  He never really talked to me.  In fact, I don't think he did, at all.  Except once.  I had slept over and was up before everyone else..... to go babysitting.  As I walked out of BFF2s room he was there in the hallway.  I remember being stunned by him.  He was gorgeous.  And he knew it.  "Leaving now?"  "Yea..babysitting".  So lame. And to be honest, that is what most of our conversations consist of now.  That would have been 14 years ago.  And ever since then, I've always had a thing for him.

Explanation two. We all know I moved to Colorado last summer.  So I've been spending more and more time with said BFF2.  A bunch of us went out on Saint Patrick's Day.  Crush included.  I immediately went for him.  He came right back at me.  The problem?  He dated BFF2s neighbor for a while.  And I am just getting to know Neighbor.  And I like her.  She is my kind of girl.  Her personality, her humor, her trust.  And I managed to screw up a new friendship. She found out, and was hurt. I felt horrible. There is a possibility that she still reads this blog.  But maybe she has forgotten about it.  But I can't lie.  I have to have this out there.  And maybe she will understand my reasons for wanting to be with him.  Or maybe she won't.  but all the same, I hope she will accept me for who I am, and not hate me for what I have done. What's amazing about the whole thing was that it really was just sex.  We didn't talk.  And on the rare occasion we did talk, all he did was complain about shit. Even so, the hook-ups continued.  And continued and continued until last weekend.  That was it for me.  But that's another topic for another post.  Neighbor and I have talked about him, but not about me hooking up with him.  I feel guilty.  I mean sort of...in a way that I know I am making her upset.  But at the same time, I needed that freedom.  I am probably more screwed up in the head than all of my friends out there.  I even talked to my therapist about him.  And she said it is OK to have a fling, as long as you know you can get hurt. But I failed to mention Neighbor.  That might have changed what the therapist said. 

There is a whole series of posts between St. Patrick's Day and today.  But I'm just going to give the ending to you:  I got my childhood wish. I didn't get hurt. And Neighbor and I are still talking.  That's a perfect ending. 

Since the Half-Jew

If you write one story, it may be bad; if you write a hundred, you have the odds in your favor.-Edgar Rice Burroughs


It seems as though summer is the only chance I get to write.  Which is a shame, because I believe writing is like exercising.   You need to keep doing it or else you lose the motivation.  Since the Half-Jew, I have gone out with Big Nose, Mr. In-The-Closet, Tattoos, Native and NC. And of course the fling with Crush. I feel like each one deserves their own post. So I shall try to do just that. 

My Break Up with the Half Jew

Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again.  ~Rosa Parks
He wasn't inspiring or particularly interesting. There was no deep meaningful connection. So, I'm not at all surprised to see that it ended. 

The fact that I haven't had anything to say about him in nearly two months pretty much sums it up.  I can't help but think of how things were with Little Lion Man.  I was giddy.  I had butterflies in my stomach.  I ached to talk to him every minute of every day.  Not a single feeling like that for the Half Jew. 

But I will say, it doesn't feel good.  It doesn't feel good to know you aren't wanted.  You aren't desired.  You aren't worthy. I've had this black cloud over my head for several months.  It just got a lot darker. Little Lion Man's family has pushed me out of their lives. I haven't met new people in a while.... I don't have a real job.  I'm running out of money. Sometimes I wonder if moving out here was a mistake.  I'm terribly homesick.  I miss my friends.  I miss my old job.  I can't believe I am actually thinking this...but damn do I miss the humidity.  I wake up every morning with cotton mouth.

Half Jew was a distraction.  He was a distraction from my life. 

My current state with the half jew

No fancy quote this time folks.

I broke my laptop.....so I am relying on this ipad, which isn't half bad. I just can't type as fast as I normally would.

I've spent the past week crying every night over Little Lion Man. I miss him. And all these dates with people have made realize that no one will ever compare. I'm still angry at what he did. I accept it. But I'm angry. He made me a promise. A promise that took me a while to accept, but i did. And then he broke that promise. Really broke it. Tore it up. Spit on it. And Then shot it. But I accept it. In a way.

I'm angry. I'm angry that for the second time in my life things have not gone my way. Really. It's bullshit. I'm tired of getting shit on.

So here is the half Jew. I finally told him my story. My pathetic depressing story. And in reality, i think you would have to be a tad bit crazy to still be ointerested in me if you heard it.

So there we were. Sitting on my porch. Wine in hand. First I told him my ugly habit. He accepted it and said he would do what he could to help me through it.

Then i told him the depressing deep dark story of my life. His response? "Can I give you a hug?" hmmm...well yea i guess. And it did help.

He didn't ask details but he said when i was ready i could tell him.

Then he told me his deep dark history. And I guess we all have them. So maybe you aren't crazy for not running out my front door.

I opened up.

He opened up.

It was a relief....in a way...

In the beginning i was glad he didn't know my past. I could be me without that. And it was nice. But i could only put up that front for so long. And i think that mit be why i was so frustrated on the camping trip. I wanted to let it all out then...but I couldn't, obviously the timing wasn't right...but on this particular night on my porch...it was.

I don't see where i will be with this guy in a month or a year. But i do see myself going out with him tomorrow and next week. And im looking forward to it.

It's nice to meet someone who knows nothing of you...what so ever...and you gradually learn about them. It's exciting. Annoying when they are driving..but still exciting.

I know I will never get over Little Lion Man. It just won't happen. He has a large piece of my heart for the rest of my life. And i know i will never meet anyone like him again. I might not even ever feel that way about anyone ever again.

But for now...getting to know a stranger is what I need. And in the process I am learning about myself...parts of myself that have always been there but are just now coming out.

Man...i gotta find a good quote for this post....

PS Big Nose sent me a series of texts...which I responded to...of course. I swear, I have to have the last word. Friends kept telling me to not respond...but I HAVE TO RESPOND TO A TEXT!!!! So anyways....he ended up sending me a dirty video. Sigh......stupid boys. Not a w to win a girl over...or even get in her pants. Ugh. I didn't respond to that one.

Really?!

The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision.
Helen Keller

Therefore, I am pathetic.   

My Camping Trip with Half Jew

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.

-- Joyce Brothers

 

You can find out a lot about a person by going camping with them. 

I think I learned too much.  But it was a good thing.  Doubt this guy is for me.  I wish I could say, "Well..he's nice but..."  I can't.  We were listening to the radio and I said I liked the song playing. He turned the station about 30 seconds later.  I thought he was kidding.  Nope.  He just didn't want to listen to it.  Not nice.

He isn't patient.  At all.  I'm pretty sure he yelled at every car on the road.  And we were flipped off several times. 

He whines.  A lot.  His back hurt.  His neck hurt. His arm hurt. 

I realize I wasn't at the top of my game either.  I was a bit cranky.  But everything he did annoyed me.  EVERYTHING. 

On paper, he is perfect for me.  But "on paper" never works.  I don't even think I could be friends with him. 

I guess its one thing to go on a date with someone for a few hours.  And another thing to be with them for more than 24 hours.

My Second Date with The Half Jew

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
~ Wendy Leibman 

He isn't even really Jewish.  Neither am I.  But having a parent who is Jewish qualifies you as being half Jewish. Just not in the eyes of Jewish community.  

We both have the coupon gene. We can spot a deal a mile away.  But we are both horrible with money.  

We both moved to a new place to experience something different.  

He loves my truck more than I love my truck.  

Ya know...important stuff!